


freak

by worstgirl



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: A Bit of Fluff, Angst, But Not Much, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Seriously i don’t know why i wrote this, jeremy has insecurities, just a total mess of emotions, these boys need to talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-26
Updated: 2018-09-26
Packaged: 2019-07-17 20:30:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16103228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/worstgirl/pseuds/worstgirl
Summary: alternately titled ‘call me by my name’~~~“Call me by my name.” Jeremy spat, tears in his eyes. He was glad Jake couldn’t see the way his eyes were glistening.“What on earth are you talking about, Jeremy, I don’t know-““What was it you called me? Freak? If you even noticed me, that is.”





	freak

A cold wind fluttered the curtains inside, smacking them lightly against the walls of the bedroom. On the bed was a boy, tangled in blankets, holding a pillow close like it was a human, or a teddy bear. That wasn’t the odd thing, though. The odd thing was the other boy, sitting on the short section of roof outside the window, one foot dangling off the edge and the other pulled to his chest. He watched the distant light of a cell phone tower with its red blinking light through misty eyes. 

 

Jeremy let out a sigh, shivering with the chill of the fall air. He was in his pajamas- a large shirt of his boyfriend’s, and a pair of sweatpants, but he was still freezing. He knew that if he went inside, though, Jake would definitely be able to hear his shaky breathing. And he didn’t want him to wake up. 

 

His chin rested on his knee, the images from his dream and the other ones that appeared flashing before his eyes like the blinking red light of the phone tower. Words bouncing back and forth, ideas that had been buried resurfacing. He glanced back at the clock in his room, at the neon numbers. 

 

Too early. Or too late, depending on the way you looked at it. Jeremy took another shaky breath, and then his eyes closed. 

 

_ He was back in the mall, all of those months ago, opening his mouth to confess to Christine, Jake’s protective arm around her. Then the voice, and the ripping, searing pain of the activation process.  _

 

_ Then those words, the ones that still haunted him, along with so many others from his now-boyfriend’s lips- “Dude, the freak’s freaking out!”  _

 

Jeremy was jerked back to the present, eyes flying open, by something warm being draped around his shoulders. He stiffened, looking over to see Jake easing himself to sit on the edge of the roof next to him, wincing slightly as his legs shifted. “Hey, Jer, what’re you doin’ out here in the cold?” Jake asked, his voice kind. 

 

“Don’t- don’t call me that.” Jeremy muttered, pulling the familiar red jacket tight around him as if that would suffocate any memories that were screaming at his brain. He didn’t look up, but he could see Jake’s confused and slightly hurt face in his periphery. 

 

“Jer, I-“ He started, but Jeremy cut him off. 

 

“I  _ said,  _ don’t call me that.” He snapped. Maybe it was lack of sleep. Maybe it was the way he felt inadequate because he was still the freak, he was still the loser. Maybe it was the fact that Jake was being so goddamn kind to him- he probably pitied him. Maybe it was all three that made the anger and regret and guilt swirl in his head. 

 

There was a bit of silence. Jeremy could tell that Jake was trying to find something to say that wouldn’t anger him further. 

 

“Nightmare?”

 

Jeremy stayed silent, the sound of crickets filling the gap between them. Nightmare was an understatement. His life was essentially a nightmare. Except Jake, at least, but- “If you just stay with me out of pity or whatever, get out.” 

 

The shocked silence from Jake stretched on, and Jeremy almost took back the words. He didn’t know how long his composure would laugh if Jake went back inside and actually left. “Jer-emy, what the hell are you talking about?” Jake sounded genuinely confused. 

 

The anger was bubbling up inside him, masking the fear and the anxiety and the feeling of inadequacy clenching his stomach like a fist. “If you just- date me or whatever because you feel sorry for me, this is your cue to leave.” 

 

“Jeremy, look at me.” Jeremy stared resolutely at the horizon, as if he could go there and away from this conversation. Maybe he could. He didn’t want to look at Jake, looking at Jake would make him snap.

 

“Call me by my name.” Jeremy spat, tears in his eyes. He was glad Jake couldn’t see the way his eyes were glistening. 

 

“What on earth are you talking about, Jeremy, I don’t know-“ 

 

“What was it you called me? Freak? If you even noticed me, that is.” Jeremy wasn’t sure where this anger was coming from, but the tears felt hot in his eyes and on his cheeks, the only thing that did feel warm on him right now. 

 

“ _ That’s  _ what this is about? Jeremy, that was so long ago, I’m sor-“ 

 

Jeremy pushed himself up, standing on the edge of the roof. He left the jacket in a ball on the shingles. “Save it.” He went inside, brushing his tears away angrily. He desperately wanted to turn around and tell Jake he was sorry, but he wasn’t. He was? God, he was confused. Everything felt like a screaming cacophony in his head, like he had a million voices shouting at him to do seventeen different thing.

 

Then all the voices seemed to stop. Jake’s hand grasped his before he could get too far, his boyfriend’s legs dangling over the windowsill. “Jeremy, talk to me.” He said, voice sounding pleading. Jeremy made the mistake of looking at his face, which looked hurt and confused and worried all at once. He was a terrible boyfriend.

 

With those three words, Jeremy broke. He wasn’t sure if he was sad or angry or anxious, but he burst into tears. “I’m tired of this. I know you’re just with me b-because of who I was, not who I a-am, and-“ 

 

Jake cut him off right there, pulling him into a tight hug. Jeremy stiffened, but after a few seconds he sagged into the hug, burying his face into the taller boy’s shoulder. “Hey, where’d you get that idea?” Jake asked softly, his arms wrapped around Jeremy. 

 

A pause. “I-I mean, you’re you and I’m- I’m me.” He mumbled, voice muffled by the other boy’s shoulder. “Our entire…” He gave a tired gesture between them. “...this is based on- it’s all a lie.”

 

Then Jake’s hand was under his chin, tilting it up gently until they were eye to eye, and Jeremy remembered that he was crying. He brought his hand up to wipe them away, but Jake had already started. “Look, Jer. We may have become friends when you had that thing, but I didn’t fall for you until after you got rid of it.” Jake looked at him, his gaze searching on the shorter boy’s.

 

“B-But why?” 

 

Jake sighed, standing up. His legs still pained him, but his boy was way more important at the moment than the phantom ache. He picked his way over the various things on the floor, before pulling Jeremy into bed with him. Jeremy obliged, curling into Jake’s chest. “I first fell for you at prom in junior year.” Jake started after a few seconds.

 

Jeremy looked up at him, face pink. “Wh-What?” He said, obviously confused as to what the hell Jake was doing, but Jake just continued. He hadn’t expected Jake to actually answer.

 

“Because we were juniors, we had no clue what to do at prom, so you, being the total dork you were, downed three glasses of punch.” Jake sounded amused, even as Jeremy went pink. He opened his mouth to protest, but Jake’s finger stopped him. “You were totally wasted by the time I managed to get you into my car. And you may not remember it, but you talked about the sun for ten whole minutes, without repeating a single thing.” Jake gave a small chuckle, kissing Jeremy’s head. 

 

“I did not!” Jeremy protested, his smile slowly growing. 

 

“Oh, come on, I was there, you doofus.” Jake kissed his head, smiling, but his smile faded. The silence stretched on for a while, until Jake finally spoke again. “Do you really think I’m, like- pitying you or something?” 

 

There was silence for a while. Jeremy’s face was pressed into Jake’s shoulder, and Jake could feel his shirt getting a little soaked with tears. He let Jeremy stay there, and when he didn’t seem to be responding, Jake kissed his head. Jeremy still didn’t respond, even when Jake lay back, and he soon realized Jeremy was asleep. 

 

Jake sighed. Jeremy’s position meant that his legs would definitely fall asleep and be sore in the morning, but at the moment, he didn’t care. “I love you.” He mumbled, even though Jeremy couldn’t hear. They’d have a long talk about this in the morning, but for now, he remained curled up with his boyfriend, pulling the blanket over them. 

 

There were days like this. There were nightmares. There were arguments. But then again, no one is perfect. And maybe being perfect was overrated anyways.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry for the delay of the requests but mental health issues are a bitch  
> i’m getting them done really slowly but...  
> yeah  
> sorry guys  
> i may have to take a hiatus from writing because of this... but it’s not that big of a deal. Well, it is. But whatever
> 
> stay safe, and stay wonderful, loves
> 
> ~PlayerTwoHeere


End file.
